WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR?
Still going on about the same thing – the last few months have been powerful. So many humans in my direct and indirect orbits have gone and are still going through massive shifts, revelations and refinery, including myself. It seems like the universe has greater plans for us at this time and is really pushing the human bean evolution, as we need change fast, we need to better fast, we need to spread what’s oh so needed in this world. And as I see stories being shared and uncovered all around me, it makes me delve into my own story deeper again.
It can be so easy to forget where we came from. And I am not meaning that it is important to stay identified with your own past and not let it go, but more so that, as we move through this ever-changing world with so many external stimuli and influences all around us, it can be easy to loose touch with ourselves and who we really are, to our own experiences and feelings, that have made us who we are, although it is so important to meet the world from a place of deep inner anchoring.
This world is so expansive, there are so many inspiring things, people, opinions, viewpoints and ventures out there, so many options for just about EVERYTHING, that sometimes before we know it takes us off our own tracks, wheeling in that anchor and we drift of. We may drift into directions this outer world guides us to, adapt other peoples views, ideas and try to fit our own values to them, or we feel so overwhelmed by what’s out there, that we don’t move at all, directionless drifting in a fast ocean with no land in sight.
I’ve been experiencing this quite recently when having been so focused on where I want to head as a coach. Finding my niche. Who do I want to work with. What am I about. And with everything that’s on offer and possible out there, I felt lost and almost afraid of choosing “wrong”, constantly turning left and right. “I want to be able to inspire and help EVERYONE” is something that I, as so many others had to overcome. The last two months of universal story-time of people in my orbit, including myself starting to reveal my own backgrounds and story, have definitely started to spark something, but evolution is a process and we don’t wake up the next morning, suddenly having flicked the “I am wise and evolved now” switch over night, but this whole thing of getting to know our selves and becoming a better person with integrity is a step-by-step process which is not so much determined by logic but by learning by the feelings of experiences we make.
So it wasn’t until earlier today that I listened to Susie Moore saying that “we are all individual and shaped by unique experiences, so what we have to share with the world is not dependent on our degree/qualification/status/profession but on our own experiences – we have a story to tell that’s not exactly like anyone else’s.” and it finally clicked. Kaboom. Because in the greater picture we ARE all one, there is no better or worse, but only different, right? We all have something worth sharing with the world, we all have something we are standing for.
I have finally realised that it’s not a matter of having something we COULD share, but especially in these times we are living in right now, with so much change, unfolding and evolution happening in this world, it is a mandatory that we DO share. If we have something to say, that has benefited ourselves and we KNOW that it could benefit others, then we MUST share it with the world. It is our responsibility to do so, to create a ripple affect around the world of beautiful change makers, each starting with themselves, so we can all thrive as a collective.
Just like most of us, I had though times I went through. While it starts sooner or later for some, I’ve been experiencing mental and emotional abuse from as long as I can remember as a little girl. While physical abuse was on that menu too, it was the mental and emotional abuse that took the biggest tolls. My father was a narcissistic sociopath and psychopath with bipolar tendencies. While this might be like a no-brainer for people who haven’t had similar experiences, despite all this, I loved my dad. Children look up their parents as their rule models and guardians as the people with the greatest impact in their lives, especially in the early years, so no matter how I got treated, I tried to “win” the love of my dad and live up to his standards, yet never being good enough.
This caused me to try and “break out” very early: puberty hit me early, I’ve always had older friends, I was drunk the first time at age 11, I snuck out to party at age 13 (mind me, Europe and it’s regulations in that regard is considerably looser than Oz and other countries), I disrespected myself, attracted wrong friendships into my life, and gave myself away having a very broken relationship with the masculine. I’ve been depressed for most of my youth without really knowing, because I have never been happy I didn’t know any better and this was normal to me. I became a perfectionist and worked my butt of in underpaid jobs every weekend, after school, every holidays from age 13, always working hard to compensate for everything I lacked, to distract myself from home with constantly being busy, working hard and becoming the biggest time-macho ever. I was only about that age too when I started to self-harm. I used little razor blades. I had so much anger inside of me. I was angry at my dad, angry at the rest of the world who didn’t help nor understand me but more so angry at myself. After so many years of being with my dad, I have been so badly brainwashed and manipulated, that I completely lost the connection to myself. He got me thinking it was me who was the mistake in the world, who doesn’t know any empathy, who is unapologetically selfish, manipulative, vicious. I felt so much doubt, insecurity and hate for myself and with only a few brief occasional moments of my soul’s voice trying to reach me through the loud bark of this other voice, my dad’s voice, in my head, I didn’t know a way out other than punishing myself and finally starting to throw up the food I ate. This was the start of another aspect of my self-punishment journey in form of bulimia, a psychological eating disorder, which went on for the next 6 years. My self-confidence, feeling of self-worth, pride and self-respect would have been at an estimated -10 for most of my youth. All this of course also influenced the social and career aspects in my life: I was a grade A student, but too insecure to hold my presentation in front of the class. I played piano intuitively and well for 8 years, could play anything I ever learned by heart but wouldn’t be able to play a simple Christmas carol in front of people, who were my family. I had great ideas and opinions but would be too afraid to voice them ever. I was so broken. I always knew everyone, but never belonged to anyone. I went through the motions, kept throwing up. Due to not being aware of how not normal and toxic my dad’s influence on my life was, I started to attract partners and man in that were just another continuation of the relationship I had with my father and I experienced sexual abuse, too. I didn’t meet myself with respect, confidence and true love, I thought love was conditional and I didn’t deserve it because this is what I was taught and therefore I attracted exactly that into my life on any avenue.
I have witnessed my mom and by younger brother both being in psychotherapy for years, my mom experiencing two spinal surgeries, several nervous break downs with the ambulance rushing into our driveway at midnight and her being on anti-depressants and a whole repertoire of other medical pingers, as I call them, all due to emotional and mental trauma and distress that they had experienced alongside me. By the time I was 18 or 19 and sitting on the other side of the world in Australia, I was at a point ready to give in and get myself into psychotherapy and some anti-depressant drugs as well. Luckily I have always had this inner warrior, that in that situation again, has somehow made me listen to my intuition in one of those split-second moments in which my soul had the chance to reach me and I decided to find my own way, that I am strong, that I can do it. Even if I didn’t give myself credit for anything at that point still, then at least for being a strong, enduring human bean (my dad always wanted to have a boy and treated me as such all my childhood, thanks for making me strong.).
This was the beginning of my self-discovery and healing journey that has led me to so much freedom, happiness and empowerment. The first biggest turning point was my first journey to India for my first yoga teacher training. And while it’s all well and great being able to twist yourself into a pretzel and I’ve always been a physically active person, it was actually the yoga philosophy, the yamas and niyamas, that have literally been my saving grace and natural psychotherapy back then. This was the starting point of my holistic health journey and me transforming my past and everything I have experienced in my childhood into something magnificent, beautiful and empowering.
I am now at a point in my life where I am the happiest, healthiest and most loving I have ever been. I love myself, I am confident in who I really am and am finally living and expressing that with full integrity, not doubting it. I can now truly forgive and love my father, seeing that it has never been him in his true nature treating us and the world the way he did, but that he is just another lost soul, conditioned by his own ancestors and his perception of the world blurred by his own experiences. He is living a new life now, with a new women, having a 3 month old kid and I am truly wishing him the best with all my heart for that he uses the chance he has been given to start all over and be the father and husband any wife and child could wish for.
And I am also now at a point, where I know what I am standing for: It is all my own hard times that have brought me to where I am today, that have allowed me to open my heart and mind, expand my perception and understanding and feel for people who are going through crap too, because I have been there, I have felt it. I am here to support people that are on their own journeys, dealing with similar experiences.
The message that I want to share with you and the world is that literally ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. That we are not only capable but responsible for our own healing, for our own learning, for our own happiness and empowerment. And that all the tools we need for this journey are already inside of us. That we don’t need to depend on anyone else but ourselves. We are masters of our own destiny and we are our own healers. We have the ability to turn our own though times into something positive, to become stronger, wiser, better and more loving and radiant not despite everything we have experienced but BECAUSE of it.
So much love. Lena
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